Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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