Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
