Where did you get a picture of my penis
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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