it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
