What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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