dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
