Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
