Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
