I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Randomize
