im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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