I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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