I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
