do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
