3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize