I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I'm drive I can fine osifer
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I deserve to be covered in dicks
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