I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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