If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
