She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
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