My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Randomize
