i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
