I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
