NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
