well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
