I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Randomize
