Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
