I got chris browned last night
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
