Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
