what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
There are leaves in my underwear?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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