Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
