Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
