he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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