I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I smell stomach acid.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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