I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
