I think I am morally bankrupt
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
