you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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