Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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