i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
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