You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
