hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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