i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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