I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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