I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
