i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
