Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
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