so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
