I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize