theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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