i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
