break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
