i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
