I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize
