The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
