I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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