You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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