Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Randomize
