I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
