I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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