walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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