Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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