I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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