Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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