This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Randomize
